In any puppet show, there is always a puppeteer behind the curtain, pulling the strings to breathe life into the tools of their trade. A puppeteer is similar to a writer using a pseudonym, manipulating words with their deft and skillful fingers to put on a show for their audience while remaining hidden behind the curtain.
I write using a pseudonym for a bunch of reasons. I want to maintain a level of privacy despite this blog being an online journal. I want to maintain an air of mystery about who the boy behind each post really is. But the most important reason is that I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to expose all of failures and embarrassing moments I’ve experienced. I’m not ready to voice out the opinions I can freely write about here. I’m not ready to put myself out there, vulnerable and defenseless, against our cruel world.
On the other hand, I feel a sense of validation every time someone likes or comments on my posts. Even more so when they decide, for whatever reason, to follow my blog. It gives me a reassurance that I am not alone. It gives me a feeling of being supported and appreciated. But at the same time, I become paranoid.
What if my parents discover the post I wrote where I came out as bisexual? What if a friend of mine who also has a blog here (and lots of free time) decides to go through random blogs, and figure out that this one belongs to me? What if. What if indeed.
However, every puppet show requires an audience to be successful. And while two’s a party and three’s a crowd, at least one person will do.
Now, if one person ever did come across my blog and figured out that it belongs to me, I want that person to be someone who will accept me, for everything that I am and everything I am not. I want that person to have an open mind, capable of understanding why I keep so many secrets from him/her while sharing them with the rest of the world. I want that person to respect me, the choices I’ve made, and the beliefs I maintain. I want that person to read every post, every confession, and every rant I have and will post, and still treat me the same way they did before, if not better.
This post was inspired by a Daily Prompt: If you could have a guarantee that one, specific person was reading your blog, who would you want that person to be? Why? What do you want to say to them?